It's been weeks. There's a lot that's happened. I returned to Toronto to hang with my folks for about a week. I discovered that I am a British citizen and only need to apply for a passport. I am now in Stratford, Ontario, with Jordan, hanging out and catching up.

Things are really nice here. I've been here for five days now. Jordan worked on Saturday when I arrived though I got to see him at work and hang a bit there. He worked yesterday and is working today also. Sunday and Monday are his normal days off so we hung out a lot then. It's been pretty good here. Things are really calm and mellow.


Last night, he and I had a big talk about life. Mine, mostly. A talk I needed to have, I suppose. But it put a lot of things into question. He says he's worried about me. He sees me not doing anything and running away from making a life choice, a decision about my future. On the one hand, I have to agree with him. I'm not doing anything and picking up and going to England isn't solving anything or giving me the direction that I have been lacking for many years. Odd that my ex-boyfriend is the one to see that and the one to point it out the me. And that is why he is one of my best friends.

It threw me into turmoil, though. I mean, I thought I had a plan. Minor, yes. But still a plan. I was going to England to find something there. I think the problem with that scenario is the "something". It's not solid. It's not graspable. It's vague and uncertain. The problem lies there. My idea was to pick up and move to a foreign country that many people say is expensive and to float. I have no job. I have no idea what's going on. I have thoughts and ideal situations for my time there..... but that is nothing to go on. That's not a job that will pay my bills. I'm going jobless in the hopes of finding something worthwhile and finding it quickly.

Why not just stay here and do that?

That was the question posed to me last night. And I had no proper answer for it. I am faced with a decision: Safety vs. Adventure. Do I sit here in the comfort of my parent's rent-free abode and look for a job that I may or may not like? A job that might keep me stable and steady for the rest of my life? -OR- Do I run about and see another part of the world? Do I see the sites and meet the people and potential have no solid skills with which to sell myself with?

I could come back from Adventure and be in the exact same place that I'm in right now. And what good would that do me? I'd be no wiser and I'd be older and I'd still have no direction. And I'd wonder what I was thinking and why I didn't stay at home and find something stable...

I could stay here in Safety and be either bored out of my skull or happy in a stable job. I would have the potential to travel and see parts of the world when I get vacation time (in theory). And I'd wonder what I was thinking and why I didn't take the chance to travel while it was there for me...

Either way, my What If..? mentality would say that my decision was wrong. The seed has already been planted. I'm second-guessing both choices. I don't like this at all. The crux of it being that I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I have no direction and I have no purpose. I really and truly am floating. Before the discussion with Jordan last night, I was safe with my little wool cap pulled securely over my eyes. I was content to believe that I was off to a new and brighter future in England and that nothing could be bad about this idea. And now...........

This is completely making Jordan out to be a vicious and evil person who crushed my dreams. He's not. He even felt really bad about it and kept apologizing. But I asked him. I wanted to know. I value his opinions and ideas and he gave them to me. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I'll admit that. But it's my own damn fault for asking. He did a good job of yanking the wool off. And now I'm faced with the truth and uncertainty. I thought it was so simple.


As ever, no one can make this decision for me. No one can find my way for me. All of this rests on my shoulders.

Feelings: pensive